I want to do big things. Like, huge. Things beyond my power to do.
But, I can't.
It's not my time. My destiny is in waiting right now....if that makes any sense. I know that God has great things for me, but as much as I would like to hop on a plane and start housing girls that I rescue from brothels, God says no. Not yet.
Frankly, I don't know exactly what He has in store for me, exactly. Its not time for me to know that. It's time for me to trust. To trust that He knows exactly what He's doing. Exactly what I'm going to do, and what tools and skills I'll need to get it done.
And so, I wait. I wait knowing that this time is a sort of training ground. It's boot camp. He's growing and molding and shaping me to be the person He needs to accomplish something big that will show His love. Every person, every challenge, every task is adding to the person I'm becoming.
But that's super hard to remember sometimes. Like when I've got a cold and just wanna stay in bed. Or when I'm introduced to Pinterest. Or when Twilight is on TV and I have a big bag of Quakes. Times like that, I just want to lay around and stop thinking. Stop trying. Stop caring. Stop working to conquer the flesh.
Sometimes I think the waiting is harder than the doing. I take that back. The waiting is harder! This time of knowing God has something for me to do, but not knowing exactly what it is or when to do it is hard. There are so many other little, time-wasting things to do, when I know I could be doing things that will grow and challenge me. But because I don't see the full picture of what God has in store, I don't always have the motivation to work towards it.
It's my struggle. To keep learning and growing, instead of being complacent in the lap of luxury. It's becoming a little easier, in some ways. I find myself getting fed up with the waste and pointlessness of so much that is American culture. But then....
Please don't misunderstand this post. As much as I would love to see the big picture, to be doing, I know that I'm where I'm supposed to be right now. I love my kiddos and my work at the church. Yet there's always that pull in my heart. That tug that says "there's more".
So in the meantime, I serve with my whole heart. I soak up what knowledge and skills that I can. And I continue to wait for His timing.