I'm Being Selfish

[I have no idea where this photo is from, but I love it. I found it on Pinterest. If anyone knows where it came from, I will gladly give credit!]

That Start Experiment I was so excited about? Yeah, I failed miserably. Like, I didn't really make it past day ten...except that "what's your favorite inspirational song" day. I rocked that one...and then rocked out to the massive Spotify playlist.

But I didn't meet, or really even work on my dream for this project. I had high hopes, then just didn't do. I have plenty of reasons why I didn't. It was VBS time. I had a massive cold. Maybe it's not the right dream for this phase of my life. I'm thinking, partially, that the problem was it's not a big enough dream at this time in my life for me to be motivated enough to set time aside for it. And that's okay.

During this 24 day experiment, I did make progress on my fitness goals. I kept up with my fitness challenges, and made it to the gym a few times (when my health allowed me to). I made a giant workout calendar counting down til the main event (more details later). And I love the atmosphere of the group! Every time I log into Facebook I'm greeted with silliness and dream-chasing, which makes it impossible to not make progress in some way.

But, the first-ever Start Experiment is over now. We live, we learn, we move on....to Round Two! The second-ever Start Experiment starts Sunday and the theme is "Audacious". Exciting!

I've been debating whether or not to stay on for this second round, because lately I've just felt lousy. My cold is finally clearing up, but I'm just exhausted in every possible way. I've even slept through my alarm clock(s) three days this week, which is so not like me! I've neglected this blog. I've neglected my journaling. I've been doing the bare minimum of life. So I've felt like I don't have the energy to take on this new challenge.

But today I was thinking. And internet surfing. Which led me to a bunch of posts about introverts (particularly this one from a fellow Starter). Now, I've know since before I knew the word that I was an introvert. But today I realized that it's probably a major cause of my problem right now. I spent July so super busy with very little down time: I had my usual work, ministry, family/friends commitments, plus two very big, very draining events, and a few smaller ones. Then we slammed into August, with life and parties and again, I've given myself no real rest. At all. I realized last week that I haven't made it to the river once yet this summer. And I LOVE the river. It's my happy place, and I haven't been in over a year. The one true day off I had in 7 weeks I had planned to go but it was stormy.

So, my risk for Round Two (and this might seem weird to some of you), is to be selfish. Not just at 5am, like Acuff says, but all the time. For the 24 days of the Experiment I'm going to be selfish as much as possible. I'm going to say no to things. I'm going to intentionally take one day completely off each week for Ashley time. I'm going to get a pedicure. I'm going to go to the river. I'm going to dig into my Bible. I'm going to eat healthy and get my exercise in every day. I'm going to read lots. And swim. I haven't gone swimming all summer. I'm going to blast my music and dance around my room. I'm going to dream of my next project. I'm going to do whatever I feel like doing to recharge and relax. I believe that this is the only way I will be able to continue the things I need to do.

"But Ashley," you're saying, "The experiment is about punching fear in the face and being audacious! How can you punch fear in the face or be audacious if you're not doing anything?"

Great question. Have you looked at the definition of audacious? I like the third one on dictionary.com the best: recklessly bold in defiance of convention, propriety, law, or the like;

Convention says I need to accomplish something big in this time. But really, I know myself. If I push myself to do do do this month, I will spend the rest of the year sick, tired, and stressed, wanting to give up the things I love doing. I don't want to get to that point. So I'm going to be selfish. And that is scary! I've still got bills to pay, a ministry to run, and this isn't a goal many people will fully understand. But if I'm going to be happy, healthy, and doing everything God designed me for, then I need to take the time to be selfish.

It's hard, but I have to. And I have to learn how to better juggle all these different things with regular Ashley-time. So that's my goal for this next round of StartExp: to be selfish and learn how to make true rest a part of my life.

What do you think about my plan to be selfish? Have you or do you do something similar? How do you incorporate real rest into your crazy life? 

July's Adventure: Stand Up Paddleboarding!

Guys. I went SUPing. I'm a SUPer...ish. Okay, maybe I'm not a SUPer, but I did it and didn't fall off! Also, I'm not actually sure if SUPer and SUPing are real words....but I'm using them anyways.

What is SUPing, you ask? Stand Up Paddleboarding! And let me tell you, So. Much. Fun!

We went to Nashoba Paddler's in Groton, MA. They only have four boards right now, because they're testing to see how well they do. If others have as much fun as we did, they will definitely be getting more boards! They had great prices, and the staff was super friendly and helpful. Tiny little place, but I would definitely go back.

I hate watersports. I hate and fear jumping or falling into water. I like swimming, but that's about it. So I didn't expect to like SUPing. I didn't expect to be able to stand up. I expected to fall several times. I expected to have some horrifically hilarious mishap and come home bruised and bleeding. But none of that happened!

That's me on the right!

Yes, it took me a little while to work up the courage to actually stand up on the board. Yes, I freaked out a few times. But then...I did it! I even survived and kept my balance when a giant bug attacked me. By the end I was even getting adventurous and trying tricks. In case you were wondering, yes. Yes, I can do front squats on a SUP.

So if you have the chance, I highly recommend Stand Up Paddleboarding. It was a blast!

A Scare A Day

So you know that quote:

[Source]

Well when I was wondering what to write today, I stumbled upon it again and started thinking. What does that really mean? If you really took this quote to heart, what would your life be like?

I mean, it's easy to do a scary-thing-a-day when you're traveling or have some adventurous job or if you're the Doctor's Companion, but what about when you have a normal job and a somewhat-normal, TARDIS-less life? How can you daily do something that scares you?

The answer is both simple and complex: I don't know. I tried to get more of a backstory to this quote, to find what Eleanor was talking about when she made the quote, but Google wouldn't tell me anything beyond the quote itself.

I do know that this thought has piqued my interested and got me thinking. What kind of scary things could I do in one normal month? It's certainly a fitting challenge for my year of Try New Things. I'm thinking June may be my month of Do Scary Things Daily. But I need to think about it a bit...should I go for it?

What kind of daily-scary things come to mind when you think of this quote? If you were to live this way, what would be on your list? Help me with some ideas!

"START"

* Keep reading for a chance for a free book! *

Fear. We've all faced it. That feeling in the pit of your stomach telling you to stop what you're doing and return to safety. The heart-racing, nausea-inducing feeling that if you continue as you are, your entire world will collapse. 

But there's a worse feeling. The feeling that life has passed you by. The feeling of dreams unfulfilled. Though following dreams can be scary, it's more frightening to not chase them. We need to punch fear in the face and START. 

Jon Acuff's new book is going to help you do just that! In START, Acuff proposes names to the five stages of every dream (Learning, Editing, Mastering, Harvesting, Guiding), then walks you through each land and the pitfalls of each. Drawing from his observations and own experiences, Acuff will inspire you to destroy your fear and chase your dreams.

While I enjoyed his last book, Quitter, I loved this book even more. See, I'm in my 20s. Literally, not just in the Acuff "You're in your 20s anytime you start learning something new" sense. So I really don't have much to quit. I'm still learning what my dreams are and how to chase them. So while I liked Quitter and was inspired to go for my dreams, there wasn't much in it to apply to my life.

START is a different story. Anyone can start, no matter where you are in your life. This book helps you start with passion and purpose. Each chapter has a list of action steps in the back of the book to walk you through the stages, not just tell you about them. I devoured the book, and will be going through it again this week to journal through the action steps.

If you follow the steps in this book, you will live an Awesome life. And really, don't we all want to be Awesome? Who really wants to be just Average? Yes, Average is safer and more certain. But Awesome is exciting and fulfilling. It's the kind of life that makes you excited to wake up every morning and go to work. So if you're ready to flip the switch from Average to Awesome, check out START by Jon Acuff today.

Want your very own copy of START for free? I've got an extra copy to give away to one lucky reader! Just leave a comment below sharing one way you can punch fear in the face to chase your dreams. I'll choose a winner Saturday night at 8pm EST.

Jon Acuff launched his book with a party in Times Square and I was so happy I got to make it! Enjoy these photos of me and Jon, and myself flipping the Awesome Switch!

God, It's Not Fair

This is post is part of Compassion's Blogging Month

Hi God. It's me. I've been putting this post off all week. This week's Compassion Assignment. One of few the reasons I'm doing it now is because I challenged myself to complete the whole Compassion Blogging Month, and the new assignment comes out tomorrow. I could say that I've been busy; I worked all week. I could say I was tired; I've been exhausted all week. I could say I was distracted. Those are all true, but  I don't think any of those things is the real reason for my delay.

I think the real reason is You. The assignment is to write You a letter about sponsorship. But what on earth do I tell You about it that You don't already know? Praying for the kids is great, but to do that for a whole letter seems like a Wish List of sorts...not that praying for kids is bad. I just want this to be more than "And bless this one and that one and give us this...."

I think one of the main reasons I've struggled is because when I read the assignment, the first sentence in my head was, "But God, it's not fair!" Because it's not.

It's not fair that these innocent, loving, deserving children are without so many basic needs when I and the people I love have so much. I mean, really. I heard today about a woman who's had 12 surgeries to make her breasts a size M. We don't even know what to do with all our money, and there's kids sick, and starving, and homeless all over the world! This issue, as with human trafficking just make me want to scream, "GOD, IT'S NOT FAIR!" while having a tantrum like a two-year-old.

Because it's not fair that I am sitting here with more electronics than I can count. With dozens of outfits in my closet, yet I complained this morning that I have nothing to wear. With so much food in my fridge and cabinets that it goes bad before I can eat it all. With instant access to medicine and treatment for any kind of ailment. With 4 Bibles on my shelf and endless information at my fingertips. With a safe, warm, comfortable place to live and sleep.

Yet, while I'm sitting here, there's a little boy watching his mother waste away from disease. There's a little girl being forced into prostitution. There's a mother mixing dirt into her child's food to help his belly feel full. There's a brother and sister working for their family's income, instead of going to school. There's a young man looking for hope and seeing only darkness. God, it's not fair.

Where's the line that decides who gets abundance and who goes without? What did I ever do to get in the abundance line, while those kids didn't? And if I can't stand it, how do You? When You hear their cries, see them in trouble, how can You not step in and save them from it? I suppose that's why You're God and I'm not. (Which is good, because I would never be able to handle the stress of running the universe!)

Lord, I know You're a just God. I know You work all things for Your good. And I know that this is a fallen world, but that just doesn't seem like a good enough reason for all the injustice around us. The one hope I have in this confusion of unfairness is that I know You have a habit of using the willing to change the world. And I want to help. Sign me up. I want to fix it. I want the world to be fair. It really irks me when people say "you can't save the world" because why can't I? I serve the One who created it, so why can't I save it? Obviously not on my own, but with Him I can...can't I?

Joseph did it. So did Esther. David. Moses. So why not me? True, right now I have no idea how to. I don't have the resources, or the training, or a full vision (yet), but that's never stopped You from using someone! So I start small. I change the way I shop. I change the way I live in and see the world. I sponsor a child. Maybe right now I'm not saving the entire world. But I'm saving the life of Nithish. Because of my sponsorship, he gets healthy food and water, clothes, school supplies, education and more. His life will be different. And maybe he goes on to do something amazing with his life. He uses the opportunities Compassion gave him and the education he receives to change his village. To make it a safe, happy, successful place. And right now I'm using my electronic blessings and social media to take a stand, to use my voice, so maybe a friend will step in to change a child's life, too. Then my World Saving Power has doubled. If it keeps going like that, pretty soon, I will save the world with You!

Is this why You let the world be unfair? To stir us to compassion, to have a passion to change the way things are? To get beyond our own lives and step into the hurt of someone else's? I wish the world was fair. I wish I didn't know the kind of horrors that happen in this world. But, at the same time, I thank You for opening my eyes to them. For giving me that passion to want to see change in the world and for showing me step by step how to make it happen. Lord, for all the tears and sleepless nights I've had (and am sure to continue having) over these issues, I pray that You would show up and show off to eradicate these nightmares from our world. Because without Your presence, it's all for nothing. My actions will only result in making me sick and tired.

But with You....with You, I can save the world.

[Ir]Rational Fears

Not sure why I'm revisiting horrors from my childhood lately, but I am, so obviously I have to share with the internet. Actually, this one I thought I'd already shared, but I didn't see it anywhere on the blog, except in passing. An Adventurous Kate post I recently found made me think I should try something similar soon....So let's delve into the twisted world of irrational fears, shall we?

I changed my mind. It's not irrational. It's a completely rational fear.  I mean, come on! They're obviously all plotting against me. 

I have a fear of fish. Small fish. Especially small black fish. They're evil and I hate them and they need to go away. 

[source]

Other fish make me uneasy, but it's the little black ones that I watch closely and avoid at all costs. I thought that as a grown woman I had outgrown this fear, until several months back when I walked into our downstairs bathroom (where we have a big fishtank [yes, we're that awesome]) when no one else was home. As I approached the tank, an Evil Little Black Fish jumped out at me. I froze. My breath caught, my heart was racing, my hands we shaking. I had flashbacks to my childhood and the original Evil Little Black Fishies. I was completely traumatized (retraumatized? Is there such a thing?). After a minute or two, I was able to rationally grab the fish with a tissue and throw him back in the tank. But only because I didn't want to explain to my family why I let one of the fish die on the floor.

See, when I was really little, 5 years old little, my cousin Leah's family had these little black fish in a tank at the end of their hall. Leah was a baby and her bassinet was across from the fishtank, probably a good three feet away. So one day, and I remember this vividly, one of the Evil Little Black Fishies jumped out of the tank, across the hall, and into Leah's bassinet while she was in it! Evil Fishy....

Not really a scarring experience, you say? Well, another time, I was walking by the tank and....and....*deep breath* an Evil Little Black Fishie jumped out of the tank. At me. And it....it went down my pants. I freaked out. I started yelling and ripping my pants off. It took a while to calm me down. I remember this event clearly, I was so traumatized. My mom says that for months after I would freak out if we were around fish. That sometimes we'd by driving down the highway, me in my carseat, and I'd just start stripping and yelling about the fishies.

So, after that incident in the bathroom a few months ago, I'm obviously not over this fear of the Evil Little Black Fishies. And I've tried! I've got a little black and white fish in my own little tank. It's not so scary because he's got some white to him.  And my daddy does all the tank cleaning stuff. But the rest of them? Evil Little Black Fishies. They all wanna kill me. 

Any fears in your mind, rational or otherwise? 

Help Prove I'm Not Crazy?

I realized I haven't posted for a while, and since I have nothing of substance to say tonight, I'm asking for your help. To prove I'm not crazy. Although, I'm pretty sure I'm not, because my brother has the same scarring memory that I do. What is it you ask? Let me share my horror.

When I was little, like, 8-ish I think, we listened to records when we went to bed. That's right, RECORDS. In the 90s. On my own little player. It was awesome. Wish I still had it. Anyways, I digress. While going to bed we would listen to records. There is one in particular that stands out in my mind because the story was terrifying. Completely and utterly scarring for life. I don't remember the whole thing, but the premise was this: 

There's a little boy (I think he was African or Indian, if I'm remembering the cover correctly...yellow background?). He's living his normal life until one day, there's a fire. And he gets trapped in the fire. And then....you hear him screaming. You listen to this little boy screaming for help, in pain as the fire burns him. Then, there's a little music, and he wakes up in the hospital blind. And then something about school? But the part I remember VERY vividly is the screaming. It's forever etched in my mind. I can hear it echoing in my brain as I write this. 

And keep in mind, we listened to this while going to sleep! How twisted is that?!

So, by now you're either horrified as well, or laughing at me because you don't believe this is real, so you think I'm crazy. But to the original purpose if this post...Does anyone know what record this is?! It's been bugging me for years! It's so outrageous, it seems like it can't be real. But why would my brother and I both invent the same horrifying story? So it must be real, and someone out there must know what record it is. Please tell me! Any scarring stories like this from your childhood?