Sparkling Teeth

Note to self:
If you decide to turn the knob of your toothpaste tube squeezer, even though it doesn't seem to be ready to turn, it WILL teach you a lesson by spitting 42 times the recommended amount of toothpaste at you the moment you take off the cap. Now, if you've got good reflexes (or just innate habits that have everything lined up at the precise moment for silly accidents), approximately half of it actually landed on your toothbrush. The other half is divided between the sink and the cap (good luck cleaning that sucker out!). Since you don't want to waste any of that toothpaste, you may be tempted to brush with that massive mound of tooth polish. Resist the urge! If you actually DO use it, aside from the large amount of foam you will produce, your tongue will go slightly numb from all that peppermint oil in your fancy organic product. Also, your entire mouth will feel oddly slippery. Like that time you sampled your homemade buttercream and realized you forgot to add the powdered sugar, so it was just flavored shortening that you were eating. It's not pleasant. And brushing your teeth will take 5 times longer than usual.

On the bright side, you are definitely not at risk for any mouth disease now....unless toothpaste can CAUSE mouth disease. In which case you're in big trouble. But also, why are they selling toothpaste if it causes mouth disease?? Shouldn't there be a warning on the box about that or something? I smell a lawsuit!


Note to readers:
Tonight's post is definitely not related to nor inspired by any real life events. Absolutely, positively, 100%.....okay, yeah it is. It totally is. Moral of the story: don't be in a rush to use your fancy toothpaste tube squeezer or it will punish you in hilarious, blog-worthy ways.