So I'm feeling a little convicted, and a little jealous, and a little....if-I-put-it-in-words-people-will-think-I'm-nuts. Because that is totally an emotion. I don't know how much to share. Because I don't know if it will seem petty, or mean, or justifiable, or too real. But I'm feeling so torn, I'm just going to go for it. And maybe I'm missing something, maybe one of you will have something to share or...whatever. So here's the deal:
When we went to the Global Forum on Human Trafficking this year, there were three girls (roughly our age) sitting in front of us. Through every speaker, they were talking. Getting up and coming back. Playing on their phones. Even talking on their phones. In the middle of a conference. They were being really disruptive. For a day an a half. To the point my friend, who I love and is way mouthier than me, was about to tell them to please be quiet, when they all just got up and left. Imagine our surprise when they show up on stage as the directors of different projects! My friend and I just looked at each other like, "Umm, wait. WHAT?!" They went on to share all the great work they were doing in their respective areas, but to this day, I just cannot match up the girls I saw all weekend with the leaders on stage. Where's the integrity? Leaders, in general, should be leaders both in public and private, right? That's what I've been told all my life. That's what all the good leadership books say. And if your boss, your leader is speaking....shouldn't you listen? Set the example? And you know, to be fair, we did think maybe they were having a bad day. We've all been there when we talk during a speaker. But through a whole conference? As a leader?
I know I'm not perfect. But I try very hard to make my life just that-my life. Not a church life, and a work life, and a private life. One unified life. Nothing to regret or explain to someone. Yes, I'm human. Yes, I mess up sometimes. But as a whole, I think who I am and who I present to people are pretty much one and the same. So it makes me look up at God and just kinda ask, "what gives?" when I see people doing things I would kill to be a part of, yet acting like...well, kinda like spoiled kids. That's kinda harsh, isn't it? Maybe that's not the right way to put it. But honestly, the way those girls acted when sitting in the audience had a bigger impact than anything they shared on stage.
And then, today. Today I log onto Facebook and see this post from Not For Sale:
"Three years ago someone told me not to say that we are going to change the world because very few people have actually changed the whole wide world. For a while I agreed with him. But now I think that it’s stupid to not say it, if it helps me get out of bed in the morning. And while, yes I aim to change the world, I will still celebrate each and every individual whose life I touch in even the smallest way." - Saskia of NFS Europe
And I think, "Wow! I looooove that!" and follow the link. And I find one of those girls staring me in the face. The article is great. I love the entire thing. I saved it and found at least three new quotes for my life. But knowing who wrote it sets me at odds. I read the quote thinking, "I may have just found a new role model"...until I saw the picture. Until I realized who said it. And I can't deny the fact that this girl is doing amazing work. Saving women from slavery. Ending human trafficking. But role model for me? No. The way she acted at the Forum took her out of the running. Which is a shame, because from that article, I really like her. That girl could be my role model. But not the one who sat in front of me.
That whole "people-will-think-I'm-crazy" emotion? Well, it's hard to put into words. Because it does kind of seem crazy. And petty. And cocky. And unfaithful. But, I guess I'm in this far, let's see how it goes. It's times like that that I think, "God, why not me? Why do they get to do it, but I don't?" and a lot more thoughts that I'm not so brave as to put down on blog. There is so much I want to do with my life. So much I want to see and do and accomplish. I truly want to change the world. I don't care what people say about it being impossible. And yes, deep down I know my time will come. I know God has plans that are way beyond my own. But it's really hard to wait patiently when you can feel the stirrings of Big Things in your heart. Especially when so many others "accidentally" get to do the things you want to.
Okay, so maybe that last paragraph wasn't as crazy as I thought it would be. The crazy thoughts haven't gained control of my fingers, so they're still locked in my head. (I think I've been reading too much Hunger Games; I sound like Katniss!) My thoughts are all tangled up with this because I really liked that article. Was inspired by it. Have made the words part of my mindset. Yet I can't match it up with the person who wrote it, the glimpse of the life that is supposedly living that. I don't like when people don't match up with what they say.
And with that, what do you think? Am I being ridiculous? Or am I justified in this? Ever felt like this?