Monday, April 23, 2012

The Hour of My Discontent

Warning: The following is a peek into the mind of Ashley. This journey should not be taken lightly, as very few have been privileged to this craziness we call thoughts. Actually, I can only think of one.  It's a tad messy. And may not make sense to everyone. But hey, that's life.

See, I feel like I'm made for more. More what? Life, I guess. I'm not 100% sure what exactly that more is, I just know it exists. I feel like I'm supposed to do more than I'm currently doing. Not more in quantity, but in quality. My dreams are so much bigger than where I'm at. Bigger than the dreams of those around me. I'm sorry if this comes off as conceited or whatever, that's not my intent. But I feel like, with very few exceptions, when I try to talk about this with people, I just get blank stares. Or people will come on board with an issue that needs to change, and be all gung-ho, but not actually put action behind the words. Very few people seem to actually understand what I'm talking about. As Belle says, 

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell
And for once, it might be grand
To have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned

I'm not content with the usual job-marriage-kids-retire kinda life. I look at my life and think, "If I'm still in this place a year from now, I WILL go crazy".  There's nothing inherently wrong with the job-and-retirement fund plan. But it's not for me. My heart gets restless when I think that is going to be my life. And if I never get married, it's not the end of the world to me. I know for some people its the end-all-be-all and they will do whatever it takes to make it happen. Don't get me wrong, I would love to find a husband. But I'm done trying (if you can call what I've been doing "trying"). However, if I can't look back and see that my life has made a difference, that the world is a better place because I was here, then it's a waste. 

I refuse to get to that point. I refuse....actually, this song says it way better than me:
I refuse. I refuse to be average. I refuse to stay when God tells me to move. I refuse to sit in my little bubble padding my bank account, when there is an entire world out there filled with hurting, dying, lonely people. I refuse. 

I don't necessarily know what's next. I don't even know what the next baby step looks like. I just know that the first step was the decision. The decision that my life will not be the same after this point. So it's time to figure it out. I'm sure it will take some prayer, some crying, some frustration, some sacrifice.

But I'm at my breaking point. 
I'm done with life as we know it. 
Something needs to change and it never will unless I take action. 
So you can join me in this adventure. Or you can stand back and watch. 
Either way, you have to choose. 
I choose to jump off the cliff. 

2 comments:

  1. It's strange because reading what you put down is how my heart has been feeling as well. Next year will be a completely new year for me as an adult. I'll be done with school and what...?
    I'll definitely be praying for the both of us on this one. Who knows, maybe God has already started you on your journey with as you called it, baby steps.

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    Replies
    1. I hear ya! It's a weird feeling, but it's exciting too! I'll add you in the mix of prayers on this one! (btw, SO didn't know you had a blog!! I'm totally following you now C=)

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