Rusty Monkey Shampoo

Okay guys. Last night's dream was amazing. It's screaming to be shared, to be a real thing, so I'm writing the whole story here for you.

It was a Sunday night. I know, because it was Best Friend Date Day and stores were all closing early. Chrissy, Kathryn, and I were wandering around Toys R Us, not really shopping, just browsing and playing with the toys. There was only one staff member on duty, a grizzled old man with white hair, an old-timey inventor's mustache, and a gray vest. He kept giving us the stink eye for touching the merchandise. He was making such angry grunts and looking at us so disgustedly, that I finally grabbed the least expensive item off the shelf next to us - $25 Rusty Monkey Shampoo - and headed to the register.

After taking my payment, the curmudgeon clerk told us to stay put, and hobbled with his hunched posture to lock the front door and turn the sign to closed. He then pulled out a map of the store and told us to follow this aisle to the back of the store, to Door Four where he would meet us. My purchase earned us a challenge. If I washed my hair here in the store, I could get a refund. And it didn't seem I had a choice but to accept.

We made our way as he had shown on the map to the giant Door Four. I don't know how we had missed this entire wall of gigantic orange warehouse doors, all with non-sensical numbers assigned. Next to Door Four was Door Twenty-Five. After glancing over our shoulders to make sure the clerk wasn't watching, Chrissy opened Door Twenty-Five and slipped inside, leaving the safety of the group. The clerk came up behind us the exact moment Chrissy pulled the door closed, but he didn't seem to notice anything was amiss. I couldn't understand why Chrissy would go off on her own, when this situation definitely didn't seem smart or safe.

The clerk pulled open Door Four and motioned Kathryn and I into the dark. He led us through the nighttime warehouse, through the stacks of toys and products, to the very back of the room. He stopped in front of a metal staircase whose entrance had been chained off. "Go all the way upstairs. You'll see the place. We stay here."

Now this really didn't feel safe or smart, but his angry manner didn't give me much choice but to leave Kathryn behind and ascend the rickety stairs. Up three flights of unstable, metal steps in the dark brought me to what seemed to be an open platform. I turned right off the last step towards it. As soon as I did, loud game-show-style music blared from unseen speakers and bright stage lights illuminated a small pond, edged by a lazy river, all supported by a stone wall. Rusty monkey statues sat poised on the corners, their smiles strangely inviting and creepy at the same time. I looked around to see Kathryn and the old man on the ground two stories below. Chrissy, having been somehow informed about all of this by the clerk in advance, was on a special tower at the far side of the pond holding a camera.

The old man's voice came louder than I thought possible, "You will wash your hair with the Rusty Monkey in an entertaining way. If you succeed, your purchase will be refunded. Failure could mean... certain death." Suddenly, the whole situation was impossibly hilarious, and I was cracking up! The best laugh I'd had in a long time. I bought a bottle of shampoo at Toys R Us, and suddenly I'm in this weird non-televised game show in the back room?? "On your mark, get set, GO!" I rushed into the pond, laughing the entire time, dipping my head into the lazy river, lathering with the Rusty Monkey Shampoo, doing my best to be entertaining about it, flipping my hair back and forth and doing a silly dance. Kathryn and Chrissy were hysterical laughing at me. I think I even saw the clerk crack a smile.

And then, I woke up. But I think I earned my refund.

Don't Be a Stupid Emotional Idiot

Wanna know what the worst possible advice is? I guarantee someone has given it to you at some point in your life. You may have even advised someone else with this line. What is it?

[source]

"Follow your heart" 

We hear this All. The. Time. 

I've always hated this saying, even though at first glance it sounds nice. Then today, Lady Antebellum got their song Compass stuck in my head. Which makes me mad, because the only lyrics I know are "So let your heart sweetheart be your compass when you're lost and you should follow it wherever it may go" and I hate this sentiment! 

[source]

Following your heart is how you make stupid decisions. For example, if I had listened to my heart when I woke up this morning, I would have shut off my alarm and slept til 1pm. Then I would have blown off work and all responsibility, spent my bill money on a plane ticket to London, and stalked Benedict Cumberbatch until he married me. Finally, we would have a cumberbatch of adorable British babies, and hang out with all The Doctors and Martin Freeman and live happily ever after (Moffat's not allowed near us).

Obviously, my heart is not the reason I am a well-adjusted adult.

Here's the truth:

[photo source. Quotation mine.]

Sorry to break it to you, but your heart is stupid. The Bible calls it "deceitful above all things and desperately sick" (Jeremiah 17:9). It also says to "guard your heart", not to follow it (Proverbs 4:23). And why do you think David was always asking for a pure heart? Because our hearts are messed up. Left to their own devices, our hearts will lead us to short-term comfort, bad decisions, and heartache.

Yes, our hearts are important. They hold our dreams, our emotions, our passions. Ultimately, our hearts are who we are. We shouldn't completely ignore what our heart is telling us. But because the heart is the seat of our emotions and dreams, they can be fickle, which leads to stupid decisions. God knew this about us, so gave us a brain and the Holy Spirit to help make the right choices. When we add these two into the mix, we are able to wisely follow the dreams in our heart. 

For example, I am now saving and planning for a trip to London where I can "accidentally" run into Benny, and researching the UKs laws regarding stalking so I don't end up in prison. 

So do me a favor and stop saying this? Maybe say, "Follow the Spirit", or even, "Follow your dreams", but stop following your heart. Don't be a stupid emotional idiot. Be a brilliant rational boss.

What did your heart tell you today? What should we say instead of "Follow your dreams"? 

"Visioneering"

I just finished Visioneering: God's Blueprint for Developing and Maintaining Personal Vision, by Andy Stanley and I am in love with this book! Especially because it fits right in with what my pastor has been teaching over the past few months.

Using the story of Nehemiah, Stanley walks the reader through the process of birthing a vision, from conception to finalized dream. He outlines 20 "Building Blocks" throughout the book, balancing examples from Nehemiah with real-life case studies. Every step of Visioneering is covered in this book, from "Why should I have a vision?" to "Where do I start?" and "How do I stand against these haters" and more. This book is equal parts inspiration and how-to manual. Stanley encourages you to grab hold of the vision for your life and gives you the tools to do so. Each chapter ends with a "Visioneering Project" to put into action the principles of that chapter, processing emotions and practicalities to produce a well-rounded vision.

Whether you have a specific vision already, or you want something more from life, you need to read this book. Especially if you're a fan of books like Jon Acuff's START. Add this to the Christmas list for all Dreamers and Builders in your life!

Highly Recommended
5/5 Stars

I received this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

Start Experiment

[source]

(Guys, I have a .gif in my post. I feel all special and stuff!)

But seriously, I'm going on an adventure with Jon Acuff! And I'm not even leaving my house! A few weeks ago, Jon posted a short-lived invitation looking for people to go on a 24 day adventure, no questions asked. Of course, I applied, and thought I wasn't chosen until I got my email yesterday inviting me to the super secret Facebook group for our adventure. 

Over 2,500 of us answered the call for adventurers and will be spending 24 days encouraging and challenging each other as we each risk something. That something will be unique to each of us, something that will help us get closer to our dreams. 

I had a hard time deciding what to pick. Originally I had decided "kick butt at the gym and in the kitchen", but since I've already been doing that, it felt pretty lame to make that my risk. But after journalling and praying a little bit, I found my risk. The details are a secret for right now, but suffice it to say that I will risk by taking time out of my busiest month of the year to work on a HUGE project that I'm really excited about. It combines two of my biggest passions seamlessly and is something bigger than me. I may will need some of you to help me make it happen. 

But I'm excited. Most of you know how much I love Jon Acuff's stuff, and to be a part of this experiment is super awesome. Even though I know I will be exhausted this month anyways, I am determined to spend some time on this project to see what God does in and through me with it.

Also, I may be in need of a white board.

Do you have any adventures and risk on the horizon? Please share!

"START"

* Keep reading for a chance for a free book! *

Fear. We've all faced it. That feeling in the pit of your stomach telling you to stop what you're doing and return to safety. The heart-racing, nausea-inducing feeling that if you continue as you are, your entire world will collapse. 

But there's a worse feeling. The feeling that life has passed you by. The feeling of dreams unfulfilled. Though following dreams can be scary, it's more frightening to not chase them. We need to punch fear in the face and START. 

Jon Acuff's new book is going to help you do just that! In START, Acuff proposes names to the five stages of every dream (Learning, Editing, Mastering, Harvesting, Guiding), then walks you through each land and the pitfalls of each. Drawing from his observations and own experiences, Acuff will inspire you to destroy your fear and chase your dreams.

While I enjoyed his last book, Quitter, I loved this book even more. See, I'm in my 20s. Literally, not just in the Acuff "You're in your 20s anytime you start learning something new" sense. So I really don't have much to quit. I'm still learning what my dreams are and how to chase them. So while I liked Quitter and was inspired to go for my dreams, there wasn't much in it to apply to my life.

START is a different story. Anyone can start, no matter where you are in your life. This book helps you start with passion and purpose. Each chapter has a list of action steps in the back of the book to walk you through the stages, not just tell you about them. I devoured the book, and will be going through it again this week to journal through the action steps.

If you follow the steps in this book, you will live an Awesome life. And really, don't we all want to be Awesome? Who really wants to be just Average? Yes, Average is safer and more certain. But Awesome is exciting and fulfilling. It's the kind of life that makes you excited to wake up every morning and go to work. So if you're ready to flip the switch from Average to Awesome, check out START by Jon Acuff today.

Want your very own copy of START for free? I've got an extra copy to give away to one lucky reader! Just leave a comment below sharing one way you can punch fear in the face to chase your dreams. I'll choose a winner Saturday night at 8pm EST.

Jon Acuff launched his book with a party in Times Square and I was so happy I got to make it! Enjoy these photos of me and Jon, and myself flipping the Awesome Switch!

Verse of the Year: 2013

Finally had a chance to pick my verse of the year from church! And it's only February 6th...go me! I'm so happy with my verse(s); they couldn't be more perfect!

Background before I share the verses: Just today I was thinking about where my life is heading (and liking it!). That my ministry life has been shifting to a stronger focus on Children's Ministry and Missions (no big surprise). Just today I signed up as a blogger for an organization working to end human trafficking (more on that later), worked on a program for the kids, and did some work for the missions department. So I'm loving life and where I'm heading, excited for what God's got in store and what the vision of my leaders is.

So when I closed my eyes and picked a card from the bin after the first major staff meeting of the year, I picked the perfect one. Not only is it pink(ish), but the two verses are perfect for where my life is headed. The first one I read was Acts 10:35

In every nation he that feareth him, and worketh righteousness, is accepted with him.

Now, I don't know about you, but I'm not a fan of the ol' KJV. The "-eth"s always throw me off. I got the basic gist, and liked it right away, though. How much more perfect does it get for someone in missions?! But I wanted wording I could relate to, so I headed to BibleGateway. (If you don't know about BibleGateway, check it out! They have every version you can imagine, plus Bible studies and commentaries/concordances. They rock!) The easiest-to-understand was the NKJV, but I really like the Amplified.

But in every nation he who venerates and has a reverential fear for God, treating Him with worshipful obedience and living uprightly, is acceptable to Him and sure of being received and welcomed [by Him].

Yes!! Now the other half of my "background info" is that the major thing holding me back in a lot of ways is finances. I make enough to pay my bills, though it sometimes gets tight because I get cancelled for shifts on occasion. Added to this, I am not longer under my dad's insurance, so I need to buy my own, the lowest cost I'm eligible for is nearly $300 a month! Not cool. So when I flipped my card over, I was glad to see Psalm 23:1

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

Two verses, two perfect words for my life this year! Can't wait to see everything that's in store, and to share with you as it comes to pass! Do you have a verse (or two) for your year? What is it?

January 2013 Snippets

My past few posts have been book reviews, so I thought I'd share some snippets of what's going on in Ashley Land lately!

Speaking of books, I'm making great progress on my 50-book challenge, so far I've finished 7 books! Yessss. I think having a Kindle has helped a lot with this. Love my Kindle even more than I thought I would (thanks mom and dad)! But don't worry, I still like having real books. I've bought some of those, too. I just joined the Launch Team for Ken Wytsma's new book Pursuing Justice and I'm so excited to get started with it! Look for that review mid-February.

I had another traumatizing incident with a fish this week. On Sunday, I was with my friends in my living room watching TV when I noticed there were fish in my tank! My dad had cleaned my tank (that only had a lobster [crayfish]) and gave me two pretty fish! As soon as I noticed them, I also noticed that one was dead :( We continued our television watching but after a little while, I looked over and saw the remaining fish (a pretty little pink one) GET ATTACKED BY THE LOBSTER. I watched it happen! With tears in my eyes, my friends and I tried to cheer on this little pink fish as it would escape, then tip upside down and float to the bottom...only to be attacked again. It went on for a few minutes before the pink fish finally passed away and was sucked towards the filter. It was so sad! I'm getting teary just thinking about it. I may have a phobia of those evil little black fish, but pink ones are pretty and kind and loving. (Yeah, I know, I'm like, six. It makes life fun.)

Enough sad talk. Let's talk about fun stuff! Our VBS Kit came in today! It's so much fun! This year is going to EPIC, guys! Seriously, they even use the phrase "Epic Adventure" in their marketing, and it's not exaggerating! I can't wait for VBS!

The other day I had a weird dream that we moved into the church and my bedroom was the sound booth in the sanctuary. But it still had to be a sound booth, too, so I basically just had a bed and lamp and we shuffled things around so it all fit. In my dream I walked in to go to bed and the men's group was there for prayer, and I was upset because I needed to sleep for work in the morning! Guess that's what happens when you read about constructing the tabernacle before going to bed!

My best friend and I decided to make this year EPIC (so the VBS theme is a perfect fit!). One of the things we've planned is to do one awesome, new, possibly scary, thing each month. Some of the things we've talked about are rock climbing (in the works!), zip lining, see the Northern Lights, and other top-secret ideas. Groupon is a very handy tool to help us accomplish this :) Of course, I will document our adventures here when they happen!

So far, I am very much enjoying this year and greatly looking forward to the rest of it! The only goal I'm really lagging on so far is my very-quickly-approaching need for health insurance. Things keep coming up to keep me from sitting down and getting it done! So tomorrow, that is the main activity before I go to work. Get myself health insurance. Everything else I've set as goals are in the works and going well, so I am very happy with life right now.

How about you, how's your 2013 going? Any big plans/goals in the works?

New Year, New Goals

I realized that we're nine days into this new year, but I haven't shared anything about my New Year's goals! So let's share a little bit. I don't like to make resolutions because I feel like they always get broken. I mean, it's basically expected for you to not complete your resolutions. So I like goals better. Preferably goals that can be measured and have steps to get there.

This picture is from December when I was making my 2013 plan. My wrist was kinda sore from working out and stuff, so I was wearing the brace. I got a lot most of the "how-to" for my plan from this post (disclaimer: I don't agree with or condone the language/lifestyle represented in this blog, but there's also some great goal organization tips!) Now, if you don't want to read that whole thing (or did read it and got completely confused, like I did the first two times), let me describe how I planned my 2013! Note: I changed some of the things from Nicole's blog to better suit me.

First I sat down to reflect. Actually, I did this twice. This whole process of prepping for 2013 took me several sittings because I didn't want to rush into it. So I sat down and thought about my 2012. What were the highlights? What did I accomplish? Where did I fail? I used my blog and Facebook albums to remind me of some things I almost forgot about. And I wrote it all down. I took up a whole sheet of paper with awesome things! 

The post I was using as a guide uses step two to choose a word or phrase to motivate your year. I skipped this. Mainly because I couldn't settle on something! The closest I can come, even still, is "focus". Or "me". Or "passion". See, I can't decide! So I skipped this one.

Then, with the past in the past, I started looking to the future. I looked at my goals from 2012 to see if I wanted/needed to carry any over to 2013. Things like "reach goal weight" and "become debt free" fall into this category. But, before actually writing a list of goals, I made a list of "Life Buckets", or categories. These are the areas of your life that make up who you are, all the important bits. I ended up with 8 categories, such as "External Ashley", "Internal Ashley", "Relationships",  and "Adventure". 

Once you have your categories, make three goals for the year in each one. For example, under my Adventure category, my three year-long goals are 1) Try one new, slightly uncomfortable thing per month 2) Leave the country twice and 3) Learn Spanish. These are big goals, but that's what you want here! Something big but achievable in a year. If you have 8 categories as I do, you should have 24 goals. (I actually have two categories with an extra goal each...shh! don't tell!)

So how are you possibly going to achieve all 24+ of these goals?! Easy. At the beginning of each month (say, on the first?) you will sit down with your list and write one action step for each goal that you will accomplish that month. Which means you will have 24+ small action steps (which are basically baby goals) to do each month. Now, these won't always be done. In which case, you carry some over. But having them on paper is inspiring and motivational! I can't wait to cross things off my list and get closer to meeting these goals!! 

Finally, because I like things pretty, I made these goals pretty! I put my categories and goals on pretty paper, all scrapbook like, to hang up where I can see it every day to help motivate me. At the beginning of the month, I used my journal to record my action steps for the month. I even had space at the bottom of the page, so I will draw a smiley face for everything I complete on my list. Is it weird that that's a lot of motivation for me?! 

We're nine days into the year, and so far my new goal system is going great! I think I am actively working on half of my action steps at this time, so it must be working! To recap this: 8 Categories, with three goals each. Each goal gets an action step every month to get you closer to that goal. Easy Peasy. Good luck! 

Did you set goals for the year? How are you working towards them? What motivates you to keep going towards them?

Through the Eyes of a Child

This week's assignment for Compassion's Blog Month is to write from the perspective of a sponsored child. To do this, I'm going to use a dream I had last week. In my dream, I was in (I think) Africa, in a small village, visiting with Compassion (hasn't happened yet...but I'd love it to!) and I was visiting my sponsored child, a little girl with braids in her hair (At this time, I don't sponsor a girl, and have never sponsored a child in Africa....maybe I should?). This dream, this girl, will not leave my mind, so today's post is from her.

"I wake up on my pallet in the corner. It's too early to get up, but I'm too excited to sleep! The only sound in our little house is the flies buzzing around the netting over my bed, and my little brother snoring softly next to me. The sun is just starting to peek through the little window, but the day already promises to be very hot. There's a little breeze blowing the dust around outside. We haven't had much rain this year, and Daddy's worried because we won't have much food to harvest. Everything seems like another normal day, but it's not. Today's they day They come.

I lay in my bed thinking about Her. In the pictures in my Special Box, her skin is as light as the sand on the beach near Gramma's house. She wears big glasses on her eyes and has a big, happy smile. Her letters say she's a nurse, so I know she's smart and kind. The nurses that took care of Mama before she went to Heaven were smart and kind, too. In her letters, she always says I'm special and that she loves me. That makes me feel happy. For my birthday, she sent me new shoes, and a pretty doll. I've kept them nice and clean. Today I'll show her how good I take care of her gifts. And I'll tell her my alphabet, and my numbers, and my Bible verse. I'll show her how much I'm learning, and that I'm a good girl. While Daddy tried to get work yesterday, I cleaned the house so it is perfectly clean. She'll be so proud of me. And she'll know that I am glad she is my sponsor.

I've always lived in this house. Our  village is little, but there's lots of people in it. And lots of kids to play with! No one has much money, but we help each other how we can. When Mama got sick, our neighbors helped me take care of her while Daddy worked to get her medicine. Daddy worked a lot, then, because medicine is expensive. He wasn't home much. I stayed home to take care of Mama and the house, and to look after my brother. But nothing I did helped. Mama got sicker and sicker. Then, Daddy took her to the hospital a far way away. Me and brother went with them, because it was too long for us to stay alone. The hospital smelled funny. And there were lots of sick people. The doctors and nurses put needles in Mama's arm, to give her special medicine, but she still got sicker. I heard the doctor tell Daddy that it was too late, but they could make her comfortable. I didn't know what that meant. The nurses were nice. They always smiled at us, and gave me and my brother little treats. I would sit with Mama and talk to her, and tell her stories, and say I would make sure the house was clean until she was all better. But she didn't get better. One day, I woke up and Mama wasn't in her bed. Daddy was crying and said Jesus took Mama to Heaven. I wanted to go with her, but Daddy said I couldn't. He said Jesus needed Mama in Heaven, and for us to stay here. I cried too. My brother cried for Mama, too, but he didn't understand about Heaven. He's too little.

After Mama went to Heaven, I was in charge of cleaning the house while Daddy looked for work. His boss fired him when Mama went to the hospital, since he couldn't go to work, so he had to find a new job. Sometimes he found work for a day, but sometime he couldn't find anything. We didn't have much food. Sometimes we could only have a little rice at lunchtime, and nothing else all day. Every morning I would walk to the water hole to get water for the day. The water was brown and dirty, but it was the only water for a long long walk. My tummy felt yucky all the time, and hungry. I wished Mama would come back. Sometimes I would see kids walking by our village in their school uniforms, and they looked so happy with their books. I wanted to go with them, but Daddy said we didn't have the money. But She changed that.

One day, some people came to our village. They said they wanted us to have clean water, and healthy food, and to go to school. I wanted that, too, so did Daddy. But he said we couldn't, because we didn't have the money. But They said they could help. They used a big word, "sponsorship". I didn't know what it meant, even Daddy didn't! But They explained that it meant every kid would have a person from America or somewhere send money to pay for all those things. A Sponsor would pay for me to go to school and be healthy! And they would write letters so it would be like a friend, not just charity. Daddy wasn't too sure about it at first, but when the people told him all about it, he said he would do it for us. They took our pictures, and we had to see a doctor.

Soon, I heard that I had a sponsor! A lady from America! I drew a picture to send her, and my Daddy wrote her a letter. I didn't learn to write yet. The other kids started getting letters and pictures from their sponsors, and I kept waiting for one of my own. Finally, it came! I saw her friendly smile and learned her name, and felt so special because of her letter. I told my teacher that I wanted to learn a lot so I could make my Daddy proud, and make Her proud, and be a teacher myself someday. Or maybe a nurse. Or something else. Her help has made me healthy. My tummy isn't sick anymore, because I have good food. They put a water pump in our village, so we have as much clean water as we want. And I'm learning to write for myself. I can almost write a whole letter by myself! Daddy is happy I have a sponsor, too.

And today, I would get to meet Her, for real. Not just in a letter. Finally, Daddy wakes up and we get ready. I dress in my best clothes, with my pretty shoes. Then, we hear the car. They're here!! I run outside and join the other kids waving to the people getting out of the car. And I see her. My Sponsor! I'm so excited I can barely move! She sees me and comes to give me a big hug. She gives hugs like my Mama did, like grown up ladies do. I hug her back and give her a big smile. She talks to me, but the translator is distracted with another kid, so I don't know what she's saying, but I know it's good because she's smiling. She goes in her bag and pulls out a little camera, like they use at school to take our picture sometimes. She pulls me close and we take a picture together. She shows me on the back and it's us! Me and Her, hugging and smiling next to each other. I wish I could keep in in my Special Box. The translator is back. He says She will send me a copy of the picture when she gets home. I am so happy I give Her another hug. Teacher is telling all of the kids to line up so we can show what we've learned. I line up and see Her standing in front of me with her camera. I smile extra big as we say our letters, and numbers, and Bible verses. After, she hugs me and tells me she is so proud.

I look and see something muddy and yucky got in her hair. I show her and she nods. The translator says She has an idea. She asks if I can get a towel, and I ask why. She pulls out a small bottle from her bag. She says it's shampoo, and it smells good, and that we're going to wash our hair under the water pump. I laugh, and I'm excited so I run to get a towel. Daddy is standing at the house, smiling. He laughs and is happy when I tell him about my sponsor and her idea. When I come out of the house, it's gotten windy and there are dark clouds in the sky. She grabs my hand and we start running towards the water pump as big raindrops start to fall from the sky. She tosses the towel and shampoo under a hut, and spins me around and around, dancing in the rain. Together we laugh and smile, and dance in the rain, as it washes away the dust and feeds the ground.

I am so happy today. Today is the best day ever, and all because She came to visit. "

To make a difference in a child's life, please visit Compassion. Our goal is to get sponsors for 3,108 children this month, and we are less that 1,000 away!

Edit: I should probably note that all the details about this girl, her life, and her village are completely made up and from my own mind. Don't shoot me if that's not how it really works :)

God, It's Not Fair

This is post is part of Compassion's Blogging Month

Hi God. It's me. I've been putting this post off all week. This week's Compassion Assignment. One of few the reasons I'm doing it now is because I challenged myself to complete the whole Compassion Blogging Month, and the new assignment comes out tomorrow. I could say that I've been busy; I worked all week. I could say I was tired; I've been exhausted all week. I could say I was distracted. Those are all true, but  I don't think any of those things is the real reason for my delay.

I think the real reason is You. The assignment is to write You a letter about sponsorship. But what on earth do I tell You about it that You don't already know? Praying for the kids is great, but to do that for a whole letter seems like a Wish List of sorts...not that praying for kids is bad. I just want this to be more than "And bless this one and that one and give us this...."

I think one of the main reasons I've struggled is because when I read the assignment, the first sentence in my head was, "But God, it's not fair!" Because it's not.

It's not fair that these innocent, loving, deserving children are without so many basic needs when I and the people I love have so much. I mean, really. I heard today about a woman who's had 12 surgeries to make her breasts a size M. We don't even know what to do with all our money, and there's kids sick, and starving, and homeless all over the world! This issue, as with human trafficking just make me want to scream, "GOD, IT'S NOT FAIR!" while having a tantrum like a two-year-old.

Because it's not fair that I am sitting here with more electronics than I can count. With dozens of outfits in my closet, yet I complained this morning that I have nothing to wear. With so much food in my fridge and cabinets that it goes bad before I can eat it all. With instant access to medicine and treatment for any kind of ailment. With 4 Bibles on my shelf and endless information at my fingertips. With a safe, warm, comfortable place to live and sleep.

Yet, while I'm sitting here, there's a little boy watching his mother waste away from disease. There's a little girl being forced into prostitution. There's a mother mixing dirt into her child's food to help his belly feel full. There's a brother and sister working for their family's income, instead of going to school. There's a young man looking for hope and seeing only darkness. God, it's not fair.

Where's the line that decides who gets abundance and who goes without? What did I ever do to get in the abundance line, while those kids didn't? And if I can't stand it, how do You? When You hear their cries, see them in trouble, how can You not step in and save them from it? I suppose that's why You're God and I'm not. (Which is good, because I would never be able to handle the stress of running the universe!)

Lord, I know You're a just God. I know You work all things for Your good. And I know that this is a fallen world, but that just doesn't seem like a good enough reason for all the injustice around us. The one hope I have in this confusion of unfairness is that I know You have a habit of using the willing to change the world. And I want to help. Sign me up. I want to fix it. I want the world to be fair. It really irks me when people say "you can't save the world" because why can't I? I serve the One who created it, so why can't I save it? Obviously not on my own, but with Him I can...can't I?

Joseph did it. So did Esther. David. Moses. So why not me? True, right now I have no idea how to. I don't have the resources, or the training, or a full vision (yet), but that's never stopped You from using someone! So I start small. I change the way I shop. I change the way I live in and see the world. I sponsor a child. Maybe right now I'm not saving the entire world. But I'm saving the life of Nithish. Because of my sponsorship, he gets healthy food and water, clothes, school supplies, education and more. His life will be different. And maybe he goes on to do something amazing with his life. He uses the opportunities Compassion gave him and the education he receives to change his village. To make it a safe, happy, successful place. And right now I'm using my electronic blessings and social media to take a stand, to use my voice, so maybe a friend will step in to change a child's life, too. Then my World Saving Power has doubled. If it keeps going like that, pretty soon, I will save the world with You!

Is this why You let the world be unfair? To stir us to compassion, to have a passion to change the way things are? To get beyond our own lives and step into the hurt of someone else's? I wish the world was fair. I wish I didn't know the kind of horrors that happen in this world. But, at the same time, I thank You for opening my eyes to them. For giving me that passion to want to see change in the world and for showing me step by step how to make it happen. Lord, for all the tears and sleepless nights I've had (and am sure to continue having) over these issues, I pray that You would show up and show off to eradicate these nightmares from our world. Because without Your presence, it's all for nothing. My actions will only result in making me sick and tired.

But with You....with You, I can save the world.

Miscarriage

At 3am I woke up from a dream....or a nightmare, rather.

I was in a hospital room (which looked more like a doctor's office). I was pregnant and in labor. The only other person in the room was my brother. He was sitting in a chair against the wall, texting on his cellphone to avoid the awkwardness of being in the room with his laboring sister.

A nurse came in because the baby's heart rate was doing weird things, so she attached a scalp monitor, and told me to just relax. I called my mom and got up, started walking around.

Suddenly the monitor started beeping, the baby's heart rate dropped, dropped, dropped to zero and blood started flowing out from me. A nurse came in, telling me to get back into bed and I hung up with my mom, who came into the room at that moment.

I had a miscarriage during labor because I didn't listen. I stood up when I shouldn't have and my baby died because of it.

Is this a crazy dream brought on by the various events of the past day? Or is there something more? Is it spiritual? And if so, what's it mean? I get the analogy, don't get me wrong, but if its spiritual, what does the baby represent? And why didn't I have a husband in this dream???

It was such a realistic dream. When I jolted awake, I threw back the covers to make sure I wasn't bleeding! To add to the surrealism, as I laid back down, trying to simultaneously fall asleep and figure out the meaning, the computer screen in the other room randomly came on, casting my room in a pale blue hue.

This was one of the strangest dreams I've had. And it had a weird feeling to it, like it was more than just a dream, but I don't know. I guess I'm just going to have to pray about it for a while and see what God reveals.

Have you ever had a crazy, crazy dream that left you awake and wondering?